Insane

Why can't I stop feeling this way? The overwhelming need to know what he's doing, why he isn't speaking to me, even though it makes no sense. He has his own life, I have mine, it isn't fair to do this. But here I am, and no amount of logic will turn that off. Why do I do this? Every new relationship I go through this. How many have I sabotaged in my early times of insanity? It fades as I get used to it, but the beginning is tumultuous and incredibly triggering of my poor mental health. Even if the relationship lasts, I often come out with new scars, physical and emotional.

I'm positive it's not tied into the relationships themselves, but what causes it? Why? How can I deal, how can I learn to cope, if I can't even figure out what it is that is causing these extreme responses? the insecurities, the complete inability to deal? I try to force myself to enjoy the things I used to enjoy, but it's all empty. Even when I'm "okay" I feel numb inside. I can put on a smile, I can feel brief moments of happiness, but inside is numb. Inside is nothing. I am rotten and broken, useless, unable to recover from traumas that I can't even identify. The trauma responses are there, but no idea where they've stemmed from.

So I have to just keep going, and hoping that the next low won't be my end, because the urge to die is stronger and stronger, and I'm not sure that anyone really realizes how deeply hard to resist it is. It would be so easy, living where I do, to simply make it happen. Sometimes people say, "but what about Kennedy?" But more and more I feel disconnected from her, as well. It breaks my heart, I know I love her, I know she loves me, but I'm also numb and blank. I can hardly feel. Kennedy is pulling away as she gets older, and I'm pulling away as I spiral.

Friendship is a possible trigger. Closeness of others. They will leave, just as all the others left before, and will still leave.