Stay calm. Don't doubt everything. Breath deeply.
This isn't the end of the world, it's basically nothing and you'll feel better in one day.
I get so stuck in the thinking that i need to fix this RIGHT NOW so it doesn't become a bigger issue, I suppose it makes sense given my history, but it's not the most healthy response either. Once you talk in the morning, things will be ok. Why can't you sleep? Why can't you just go to bed and rest and feel better for a conversation in the morning?
Ugh
Friday, June 5, 2020
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Am I Giving too much?
Move away from my happiness
my home
my city
my friends
my comfort
Move into a place that is not mine, won't be mine
No space for me or mine
Stressed, away from comfort, unable to recover. The only thing I have is Jon. the only time I feel better is when I'm with him. Because he has become my only comfort, because I have nothing else. I can't even use my own technology most of the time, kids wanting to or using computer and xbox for videos. can't simply sit and play a game to zone out, food is required, hannah "checking in" every week immediately following school meetings for willow making me feel pressured even when the videos are not required and i keep willow up on her school work (which the calls interrupt).
No comfort. Feel underappreciated. Kennedy shows her gratitude sometimes, and very briefly once austen and willow did, but that was it. I'm just this horrible person to them, arent i? No feelings, no personal goals, no wants, no likes or dislikes. They're kids though, but does that change it entirely? Leaving it without mention encourages the behavior of ignoring my being a person of my own, but saying anything when they're just kids would be stepping out of line, demanding too much of children, no? But then, Kennedy seems to openly recognize my struggles. Because she knows me and knows how different this is for me? She knows that i didn't used to just clean and cook all day?
I dont know.
I feel like I'm letting things slide with Jon, just like things started with roger, I permit things that do bother me some, because its not a big deal and why should I complain? Love is worth it, right? But how far will it go, when will it stop, or will it continue to be an issue? I feel like if I say anything it will blow up into something bigger than I wanted, and then I will have to just swallow it down anyway because there will be no compromise, no understanding, no discussion. But if I dont bring it up, of COURSE he will not know and it will continue. And that would simply be my fault, so what right do i have to be upset if things snowball into a bigger issue? It was my own fault from the start.
It's all small, stupid things now. But I'm so scared of it being worse. But that is unfair to Jon, isn't it? He wasn't the one that did that, Roger did, Don did before that, and A before that... but I need to look out for my self, and if I want this to work I need to speak, right? Why is this so hard?
Because I've been told I'm crazy, I'm stupid, I overreact. If i speak up on small things, I'm being dramatic and stupid, because they're small. and by hte time they get big, bad, and overwhelming, people ask me why I never spoke up, why i didnt see the flags, why I stayed as long as I did..
What do i do? These are small, non issues. But I should say something, right? But when you care about someone you don't go on about these things, just as they should accept your 'flaws' or whatnot, so it isn't fair of me to do this either.
I just dont know.
What do I want?
I want someone who will try to make time for me, to spend with me, quality time one on one. it doesnt have to be a lot, but something.
I want someone who will take on chores, and keep up so that I don't feel pressured to pick up the slack in the name of 'love' or simply to maintain my sanity.
I want someone who will recognize and acknowledge the work I put in. Jon often does this, perhaps not always but this is one that seems fine.
I want someone who wants to take care of me, much like I want to take care of them.
What do I do?
I try to clean, cook, and organize as much as I can to help.
Try to keep the kids moving forward with tasks with minimal issue.
I set aside some of any food I make, even if the kids want more, so he always has something when he gets home or later.
I try to stay out of the way of their family routines so I'm not intruding.
I try to listen, even if I'm not good at advice or not absorbing feelings, I try to listen to issues at least. Sometimes it puts me in inner turmoil since I absorb, but I know I have to be supportive and listening is necessary.
I do what I can to make sure he has good days... fathers day plans are an example.
I sew whatever I can to help, to fix, anything.
I do my best to be the only one being exposed, going shopping etc.
i need to stop for now
my home
my city
my friends
my comfort
Move into a place that is not mine, won't be mine
No space for me or mine
Stressed, away from comfort, unable to recover. The only thing I have is Jon. the only time I feel better is when I'm with him. Because he has become my only comfort, because I have nothing else. I can't even use my own technology most of the time, kids wanting to or using computer and xbox for videos. can't simply sit and play a game to zone out, food is required, hannah "checking in" every week immediately following school meetings for willow making me feel pressured even when the videos are not required and i keep willow up on her school work (which the calls interrupt).
No comfort. Feel underappreciated. Kennedy shows her gratitude sometimes, and very briefly once austen and willow did, but that was it. I'm just this horrible person to them, arent i? No feelings, no personal goals, no wants, no likes or dislikes. They're kids though, but does that change it entirely? Leaving it without mention encourages the behavior of ignoring my being a person of my own, but saying anything when they're just kids would be stepping out of line, demanding too much of children, no? But then, Kennedy seems to openly recognize my struggles. Because she knows me and knows how different this is for me? She knows that i didn't used to just clean and cook all day?
I dont know.
I feel like I'm letting things slide with Jon, just like things started with roger, I permit things that do bother me some, because its not a big deal and why should I complain? Love is worth it, right? But how far will it go, when will it stop, or will it continue to be an issue? I feel like if I say anything it will blow up into something bigger than I wanted, and then I will have to just swallow it down anyway because there will be no compromise, no understanding, no discussion. But if I dont bring it up, of COURSE he will not know and it will continue. And that would simply be my fault, so what right do i have to be upset if things snowball into a bigger issue? It was my own fault from the start.
It's all small, stupid things now. But I'm so scared of it being worse. But that is unfair to Jon, isn't it? He wasn't the one that did that, Roger did, Don did before that, and A before that... but I need to look out for my self, and if I want this to work I need to speak, right? Why is this so hard?
Because I've been told I'm crazy, I'm stupid, I overreact. If i speak up on small things, I'm being dramatic and stupid, because they're small. and by hte time they get big, bad, and overwhelming, people ask me why I never spoke up, why i didnt see the flags, why I stayed as long as I did..
What do i do? These are small, non issues. But I should say something, right? But when you care about someone you don't go on about these things, just as they should accept your 'flaws' or whatnot, so it isn't fair of me to do this either.
I just dont know.
What do I want?
I want someone who will try to make time for me, to spend with me, quality time one on one. it doesnt have to be a lot, but something.
I want someone who will take on chores, and keep up so that I don't feel pressured to pick up the slack in the name of 'love' or simply to maintain my sanity.
I want someone who will recognize and acknowledge the work I put in. Jon often does this, perhaps not always but this is one that seems fine.
I want someone who wants to take care of me, much like I want to take care of them.
What do I do?
I try to clean, cook, and organize as much as I can to help.
Try to keep the kids moving forward with tasks with minimal issue.
I set aside some of any food I make, even if the kids want more, so he always has something when he gets home or later.
I try to stay out of the way of their family routines so I'm not intruding.
I try to listen, even if I'm not good at advice or not absorbing feelings, I try to listen to issues at least. Sometimes it puts me in inner turmoil since I absorb, but I know I have to be supportive and listening is necessary.
I do what I can to make sure he has good days... fathers day plans are an example.
I sew whatever I can to help, to fix, anything.
I do my best to be the only one being exposed, going shopping etc.
i need to stop for now
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