Who am I?

Who am I? I used to be someone different. Not necessarily better, there have always been problems of course, but I know I've spent years altering my behavior to suit others instead of being who/what I am. I want this to be different. I need to consciously see who I really am so I can make strides to become the person I was, sort of, but while also considering and working on the flaws and problems.

So, a list of things I do think are truly ME. Perhaps also addressing the negatives to each, so I can work on those as well.

• I'm crazy. I have always been the 'wild-child'. Running around in the woods, the swamp, jumping from rock to rock in the briar bushes. Wandering so deep in the woods without fear, exploring. Older, this was an energy for things that others didn't usually share. sometimes in a bad way. It was also part of what lead to excesses, impulsivity. Sometimes fearless to a flaw. I'm sure losing some of that is normal as you get older, but to this extent I'm guessing not. Now I can still be this at times, but usually its only with alcohol involved, or very specific moods and situations. This says to me that it's something I've tried to repress, since it comes back with impairment, or when i'm feeling... well, myself.
• Empathic... overly caring. I take in others emotions which can be problematic, but it also means I feel so very deeply, but that is considered a flaw and something I work to hide. There are problematic parts to it that indeed should probably be something i work at reducing in healthy ways, but I have always been able to tell when things were not right, and feel what others are feeling, and to care. Can't watch the news, even a lot of things on facebook. I just want people to care, and it shocks me to see how little they do. i care so much it hurts, and hiding it hurts even more. Really showing it, however, has been taught to me to be unforgivable, a weakness. Something to scoff at.
• A romantic. I guess this ties in with my previous one. As much as I hide from demonstrations of love, I feel it so deeply. I've been taught to hide affections, that it is weakness, that it is a weapon to be used against you. I've been trying hard to break that, but it's still significantly easier to write my feelings. Texting becoming a bigger thing has helped some, but I know i need to work on being open in person as well. I can text things I literally cannot speak, which seems so incredibly wrong. And for me to so desperately want to be loved like i love, but without me showing how i love? it's incredibly hypocritical and I know it, so one-sided and unfair, but how can I break this? I think this is what led to the destruction of my marriage more than anything else to be honest. My fault, I truly believe. I don't think the issues we had would have been so bad, or become what they did at all, if I had been able to demonstrate the affection I needed myself. If i had stopped being so afraid and was able to show how much i enjoyed loving and being loved, could things turn out better?
• A helper. I love to help others. In small ways mostly; i often don't have the ability or means to help in bigger ways. Many of my ambitions in life are to be a better person to others, and even with seriously huge confidence issues holding me back, i try to do small things for others where I can, typically quietly so i am not noticed, because the attention feels wrong, even 'thank you' feels wrong, though appreciated. at this point it's a bit of a flaw, since I will run myself ragged helping others with little thought of myself or my well being, and typically others do not return this, so I burn out and everything becomes a sacrifice of myself. I guess this also could tie into caring, so perhaps these are not so helpful?
• I like beautiful things. i like art. I like plants, because they are beautiful. I like nature, but i can see the beauty in a big city, too. I just like anything that has it's own beauty, and I can see beauty where others might not. I think I do, anyway. Now I'm doubting myself.
• I like singing, and dancing. I'm not good at them, but I like them. It takes a lot to feel comfortable enough to dance, but I like karaoke so much. I like drinking with friends, laughing. 
• I like being inappropriate. I like sexual innuendo. This has been pretty thoroughly squashed , not entirely erased, but I tend to try not to express this so much. Worse, I tend to react strangely to others making these jokes even if I'm truly not bothered by it.

...

Trying to explore why i feel this way. I didn't mean to read it, but once I did I can't unsee, I can't stop thinking. I read more than i should have, it didn't sink in, i was taking it in numbly before i recognized and realized I had to stop, this is private.
And now it's in my head, too.
I can't stop thinking that I could never be that person. That you would never care for me like that. And then so much hurt because I feel so much for you, probably inappropriately since we don't really have that much background together, but I always feel so strongly and very quickly. I've never had a short relationship because I don't get into it without knowing for sure it's what I want.
I can't have the confidence that I have had in the past. I can't figure out why I am two people at once. I want you to be able to see me as I am; probably the person you would see before, just hanging out as friends. Or hanging out with friends. But now it's different, I'm scared and timid and can't break these habits to just be entirely ME with you. Do you even remember who I am at this point? I don't know. Half the time I'm unaware of the changes I make to myself to comply to ideas I have been trained to adhere to, but I know its different when I stop to think.
You won't have memories of affection and, i guess, love, not with me. Not like you wrote about. I'm not worth that, never will be, and it breaks me. I want to be that. But I can't, because I'm ruled by irrational fear and I don't think I can ever break that, because I am broken and un-fixable. I want to be myself, the person I am, the person I was before. I think you'd like that person. Confident in most aspects, at least outwardly, even if I had deeply ingrained issues from society. At least I still knew logically that people like me, I'm not a BAD person. I don't know where I lost that or really why. A bunch of smaller things maybe, things I'm only just recognizing now, since this change was slow and gradual over my life, mostly starting around high school but I'm sure the seeds were sown much earlier. It's just overwhelming me now.
But instead I hate myself, I have no self confidence, it leads me to feel jealous and even worse about myself. I feel like I cannot speak of these things, too. I'm punished if I do, punished in my head. You'll be upset with me and it will only make things worse, and it's all my fault for ever mentioning it instead of dealing with my issues myself like any normal person. For even allowing myself to BECOME this way. It's something I have to deal with myself, but how? It feels impossible to do alone, I feel like I need help, but then it goes around the circle again of "that's not ok, deal with it yourself, its YOUR problem."
Even references to people you've been with set me off beyond what they should. I feel subhuman, like I'm just trash, that you will never want to actually be committed to me since you've been able to experience better, worthier people. It adds to my sexual anxieties, why I'm basically unable to do anything I'd normally want. but then, that also adds to my feelings of inadequacy. If I do nothing, I can't be a failure. I didn't succeed but I didn't fail either. Screwed up either way, truly. That's how the feelings hit me, though.
I feel like you'd let me go if things were slightly wrong. I mean, you basically already did. It wouldn't take much for me. You were willing to forgive her for a lot, but I don't think I'd ever be that for you, even with the same amount of time put in. At this point it's like walking on eggshells for me. I'm so scared to lose you because I know I don't have that worth, so scared to do anything, to be wrong, but it's debilitating and making everything worse. Maybe that's why seeing this set me off so badly. I couldn't breathe, and then once I  could it was sobbing for over an hour. my eyes hurt.
I'm so scared to lose you that I will probably lose you because of it, because it makes my self-confidence worse, it makes my self-doubts worse, and makes me unable to do such basic things. It makes me lash out, make problems where none were. It's stupid, and I can't figure it out. I want to.
I want help. I need help. The relationship counselors wont respond, this fucking pandemic leaves me lost even more than before, and I'm drowning. I can't keep avoiding everything. I'm trying hard to act strong. I hate weakness. I've always been the weak one, talked down on for my weakness, my inability to do anything right or to its entirety. But how do you do better if you hide and can't show anything? I don't know. I just don't know.
I constantly need reassurance and validation, but that's not fair. its not fair to you, especially when I'm so scared to show affection, because I have the irrational fear of my love being weaponized against me. I should be doing the same for you. I have the thoughts, I have the feelings, but I struggle so much to express. I write, I write here, but any expression in person is a weakness to be weaponized.
What is wrong with me? I just want to be able to fucking live my life and be myself. my real self.
I'm not entirely sure that I know who I even am. Maybe that's something to explore, i don't know.


Taking this to a new space. Maybe I need to figure out who I am so I can try to return to that.
Who do i THINK i am.  Next entry...