So, a list of things I do think are truly ME. Perhaps also addressing the negatives to each, so I can work on those as well.
- I'm crazy. I have always been the 'wild-child'. Running around in the woods, the swamp, jumping from rock to rock in the briar bushes. Wandering so deep in the woods without fear, exploring. Older, this was an energy for things that others didn't usually share. sometimes in a bad way. It was also part of what lead to excesses, impulsivity. Sometimes fearless to a flaw. I'm sure losing some of that is normal as you get older, but to this extent I'm guessing not. Now I can still be this at times, but usually its only with alcohol involved, or very specific moods and situations. This says to me that it's something I've tried to repress, since it comes back with impairment, or when i'm feeling... well, myself.
- Empathic... overly caring. I take in others emotions which can be problematic, but it also means I feel so very deeply, but that is considered a flaw and something I work to hide. There are problematic parts to it that indeed should probably be something i work at reducing in healthy ways, but I have always been able to tell when things were not right, and feel what others are feeling, and to care. Can't watch the news, even a lot of things on facebook. I just want people to care, and it shocks me to see how little they do. i care so much it hurts, and hiding it hurts even more. Really showing it, however, has been taught to me to be unforgivable, a weakness. Something to scoff at.
- A romantic. I guess this ties in with my previous one. As much as I hide from demonstrations of love, I feel it so deeply. I've been taught to hide affections, that it is weakness, that it is a weapon to be used against you. I've been trying hard to break that, but it's still significantly easier to write my feelings. Texting becoming a bigger thing has helped some, but I know i need to work on being open in person as well. I can text things I literally cannot speak, which seems so incredibly wrong. And for me to so desperately want to be loved like i love, but without me showing how i love? it's incredibly hypocritical and I know it, so one-sided and unfair, but how can I break this? I think this is what led to the destruction of my marriage more than anything else to be honest. My fault, I truly believe. I don't think the issues we had would have been so bad, or become what they did at all, if I had been able to demonstrate the affection I needed myself. If i had stopped being so afraid and was able to show how much i enjoyed loving and being loved, could things turn out better?
- A helper. I love to help others. In small ways mostly; i often don't have the ability or means to help in bigger ways. Many of my ambitions in life are to be a better person to others, and even with seriously huge confidence issues holding me back, i try to do small things for others where I can, typically quietly so i am not noticed, because the attention feels wrong, even 'thank you' feels wrong, though appreciated. at this point it's a bit of a flaw, since I will run myself ragged helping others with little thought of myself or my well being, and typically others do not return this, so I burn out and everything becomes a sacrifice of myself. I guess this also could tie into caring, so perhaps these are not so helpful?
- I like beautiful things. i like art. I like plants, because they are beautiful. I like nature, but i can see the beauty in a big city, too. I just like anything that has it's own beauty, and I can see beauty where others might not. I think I do, anyway. Now I'm doubting myself.
- I like singing, and dancing. I'm not good at them, but I like them. It takes a lot to feel comfortable enough to dance, but I like karaoke so much. I like drinking with friends, laughing.
- I like being inappropriate. I like sexual innuendo. This has been pretty thoroughly squashed , not entirely erased, but I tend to try not to express this so much. Worse, I tend to react strangely to others making these jokes even if I'm truly not bothered by it.
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